How Did I Get Here?
Ever have one of those moments when your life flashes before you, like a movie trailer…, and when you snap back to the present moment, you are left with only a sense of disbelief, incredible fatigue and a few meager possessions? Yeah...that’s what we are dealing with!
My life has come with ample opportunities to reinvent myself - which is a more positive way of saying that my life has taken my dreams and drop-kicked them...multiple times.
Now - I am not so naive as to think that life has “done this to me”...but I do recognize that my perfectly imperfect decisions...in this Choose Your Own Adventure saga...have blessed me with more beautiful moments than I could adequately explain….and with beauty and love, must come pain. Trauma and loss cannot be (and I encourage you to stop trying!) explained, or justified...telling ourselves there is a bigger plan to explain why someone dies, is a belief that is meant to allow some of the population, who has never had the loss of a partner or child, to feel that they are doing their due diligence in a time where there is NOTHING to be said or done (more on that later)....but I digress.
Back to my point...the loss that I first experienced in the death of J, only impacted me, so greatly and in so many ways...ways that are still being uncovered, because of the depth of our love. Loss and trauma change people - you can never be the same - so how do you honor your new self and honor the person you lost? Start with acknowledgement.
I see you - I see the love we had in person, I see the love we will always continue to share - I see your absence from this physical world…...sit with those feelings.
I see me - I see the glow of someone who has loved - and the lines and age of someone who has lost and who, at times, is lost. I see that I am still here, still breathing and will put one foot in front of the next to honor myself in this moment. Sit with that feeling.
How did I get here? How did I survive? How do I avoid falling to pieces? How do I find joy? Where do I put my pain? How do I know what is right for me? How can I trust myself? How do I protect my heart? How do I stay present? How do I make the most of this life?
One foot in front of the other.